measuring effort

tired. always tired. always tired but always wide awake. i practice zazen while walking, talking, drinking, thinking, burning, turning, always turning. Today i turned into something new. An alleyway i had not seen before. A butterfly whose name does not translate on the english tongue. A Lost Coast 8 Ball Stout and my 'to do' list, crossing out, filling in, filing, categorizing, shuffling. I wake up and start trying. Tomorrow I will start dying. Too many wasted words. Brevity Brevity Brevity. Too long-winded to wind my way around the winding stair. Out of breath. Work becomes second nature. Nature becomes backyard bliss. Soon my life will change again. Soon there will be trees, fresh air, chickens. Soon there will be a more complete lonliness and I will be. Just be.